I was suckered. How many others had she suckered the same way? I couldn?t of been the first. How many other guys? lives had she screwed up? Someone?s got to say something. Somebody?s got to stop her. At least warn others who may fall into the same trap. Somebody must. Somebody ?..
Fuck it. I will. I dug out a pencil and some paper and I started writing to the editor of the local paper. Maybe he could help me get the word out. I had to tell my story. The words started flowing ?.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to you hoping that you will print this letter so that others won?t fall into the same trap that I did. Due to a plea bargain I was sworn to secrecy. But I?ve done my time and there?s nothing they can do to me now. I want the truth to come out.
It?s not a pretty story. It involves me ? Janet Reno ? Yes, Janet Reno the Attorney General ? crack cocaine ? guns ? dildoes ? bank robbery ? prostitution ? betrayal ? lies ? and me getting the shitty end of the deal. The time has come for me to get this off my chest. I swear that it?s all true.
It was the 2nd or 3rd week in April a couple of years ago. I don?t remember the exact date. I was in the Tenderloin area of San Francisco, the area best know for drugs, prostitution, and porno movie houses. I had just scored a $20 dollar rock and I couldn?t wait to get back to my room to do it, so I stepped into the alcove of a doorway, got out my pipe, and broke the 20 in half and put a piece in my stem (pipe) and got ready to fire it up when I suddenly became aware of a really big person standing behind me.
I hid my stuff in the cup of my hands and turned around. There was this really tall ugly broad with a mans haircut standing there looking at me. She looked familiar, but I couldn?t quite place where I had seen her before. Back then I didn?t watch the news much.
She said, ?Hi?, and I said ?Hi? back, and then ?Do I know you?? hoping that she would take the hint and leave. She said ?Probably not ? I?m Janet Reno, the new Attorney General.? I started to get the hell out of there but she said ?No, wait ? please, don?t go!?
I looked around and didn?t? see any cops anywhere so I waited a second. She said she was in San Francisco for a Law Enforcement convention and wanted to see first hand what it was like in the Tenderloin, with the drugs, crime, prostitution, and the homeless. She asked if that was crack that I was smoking and, feeling a little more at ease after looking around and seeing no cops, I said ?Yeah, I was just about to do a hit when you came up.?
She seemed a little curious, so I asked her if she?d like to do some and try it. She hesitated at first and then said, ?Yeah, why not!? I put a piece in the stem for her and showed her how to do it. She took a fairly big hit, and then buddy ? it was on!!!
We did it all and she still wanted more, so I left her in the doorway and went out and scored another 20. I told her that we should get off the street as someone might recognize her and suggested that we go back to my place. So we went back to where she parked her car (a big Government issue Ford LTD with blackwall tires) and we drove over to my place.
Needless to say the 20 lasted about five minutes and now I was out of money. She opened her purse and gave me all the cash she had ? about $470.00, and gave me the keys to her car to go score with. So I left her there for about twenty minutes while I went out and scored a half ounce ? already rocked up for $400.00.
By the time I got back she had found my collection of porno magazines and was sitting on the bed going through them all. I suggested that we go to one of those adult motels ? you know ? the kind that show porno flicks on the TV 24 hours a day. She was game, but wanted to do a hit first before we left. I knew though if she did, that we would never get to the motel. So I told her that she could do the hits in the car while I drove.
So here I am, driving this big Government LTD and Janet?s all scrunched down in the passenger seat breaking off pieces of rock and putting them into the stem and firing them up and flicking through porno magazines. We finally get to the motel and I park around the side of the office so no one can see her and I go inside to check in.
Once I got the room paid for I bought 12 lighters, 6 cans of soda (to make pipes out of the empty cans for when our stems and screens are burnt up), 6 packs of Camel 100?s (for the ash to use with the soda can pipes, plus Janet smoked Camels, but without filters), and last but not least, 1 big tube of KY from the office concession counter. (I found out later that I didn?t need the KY as Janet had 2 tubes in her suitcase.).
I carried the stuff out to the car and Janet?s still all scrunched down in the front seat firing up, with porno mags open in her lap and spread all over the front seat. I pulled the car down to our room and backed it into the carport. Janet went in first while I carried the suitcases in and put them on the bed.
Janet already had the TV on and the porno movie was going while she sat on the edge of the bed watching it ? squirming all around and rubbing herself. I gotta tell you, she was really gross, but I figured since she was paying for the dope ? and the room, what the hell ? Do your thing, Janet!!
After she fired up her 1st big hit, she jumped up and started taking off her clothes, and at the same time was opening the suitcase on the bed and frantically digging through it and pulling out all of these dildoes and throwing them on the bed. Man! There were little ones, big ones, pink ones, black ones. Some that vibrated, some that didn?t. she pulled out 3 strap-ons of different sizes (that?s when I started getting nervous), and two big 2ft, doubleheaders (a white one and a black one). There was even one on the end of a squirt gun that you put heated Jergens lotion in and squirted it! She also pulled out an assortment of butt plugs ? Brother, what a night!!!
And boy, was she paranoid. She had a gun that she kept in her purse that she took out and left laying on the nightstand all night. Then, about an hour into it, she shoved the dresser in front of the door to barricade it, and every 20 minutes or so she?d jump up and be peering out of the window from behind the curtains. What a sight ? her standing there naked ? 6?4?, wearing glasses, peeping out of the window, with a vibrator in one hand and a crack pipe in the other, her shoes on, and wearing a big pink strap-on, saying over and over ? ?Do you think they?re coming? Do you think they?re coming??
She finally chilled out and just got into the porno flicks, but by that time I was a nervous wreck. Needless to say I kept my clothes on all night. I wasn?t taking any chances! Things were getting too strange!!
Come morning everything was gone, so she called someone call Ms. Barney in Washington and he/she/whatever sent 4 grand through Western Union that I picked up under the code name ?Justice?. Well, that lasted us about five days. We were on our hands and knees grazing the carpet looking for anything white or beige and smoking it, hoping that it was crack crumbs ? but it never was.
We had blisters on our fingers ? the lighters were burned up and we had no fire ? we hadn?t eaten, slept, or showered for 6 days, and the maid was banging on the door hollering, ?Check out time?.
Janet made another quick call to Ms Barney, but ?it? wouldn?t send any more money. By this time all the papers were running the story how the new Attorney General was reported missing for almost a week after failing to show for a Law Enforcement convention in San Francisco, where she was to be the guest speaker. And Barney didn?t want to get involved.
Just before the maid knocked on the door again reminding us that it was checkout time, Janet came up with the idea to rob a bank. ?Bank robbers hardly ever get caught?, she said. Being that she was the Attorney General and all, I figured she knew what she was talking about. She?d drive the car and wait for me in front of the bank with the motor running, while I went in and robbed it. Why not?
We were both jonesing and tweaking out big time. It was a good thing that I had had the presence of mind to slip out for a few minutes the second night, before we were too wasted, to steal some plates for the car since an A.P.B. was sure to be out for it.
We ran the suitcases out to the car and damn near drove away before we realized we had left the gun on the nightstand and half the dildoes on the bed. I ran back in to get them. I picked up a squirt gun dildoe and put it in my pocket, got the gun and put it in my other pocket, and gathered up the two doubleheaded dildoes and one strap-on and held them under my coat as I went back out to the car. I jumped in, threw them in the back seat, and we took off. Now you have to remember that we were pretty tweaked out and beat up.
We picked out a bank and I went inside, leaving Janet in the car out front, behind the wheel. She had a baseball hat on backwards, was wearing sunglasses, with some rap station on and had the motor running.
I picked out a short line and when I got up to the teller I pulled out the gun and said, ?O.K. Bitch ? give up the money and nobody gets hurt! And no dye packs either!? Before I realized what I had done, the teller and the customers in the line behind me, and the ones in the next line started laughing. I had pulled out the squirt gun dildoe instead of the gun! Damn!!!
I squirted the teller twice and ran out the door and jumped into the car and we took off! Godamn dildoes!!! It didn?t? take long for the alarm to go out. Within 10 minutes it was all over the radio how a bank was held up by a man using a dildoe for a weapon. The search was now on for the robber they dubbed ?The Dildoe Bandit?. Christ! How embarrassing.
We went back to my place empty handed and parked the car around back and went up the stairs to my room. Good thing it was paid for by the month. Janet was really jonesing bad and asked me if I thought we could make any money by me pimping her off. I doubted it, but thought it was at least worth a try. Janet stayed in the room while I went downstairs and stood on the sidewalk asking anyone who came by if they?d like to get laid.
Finally, this one guy came by and he seemed interested. He asked me if she was queen and I said, ?Hell yes, she?s a big 6?4 Amazon Queen!? I got him for 20 bucks and he went up the stairs and about 20 minutes goes by and I figure everything is going smooth. Then all of a sudden here he comes, stomping back down the stairs, all red in the face and madder that hell, saying that I ripped him off and he wants his money back! ?No way, bub! You were up there 20 minutes?, and he says ?Yeah, but I wanted a guy that looks like a broad, not some broad that looks like a guy!?
Well, I still wouldn?t give him his money back, so he leaves madder that hell, and the next thing I know, here he comes back again, but this time with the cops! They bust me ? they go upstairs and find Janet ? and then they find the car in back with the squirt gun dildoe and we?re busted for Pandering, Prostitution, and Bank Robbery. Christ!
As we?re going downtown in the back of a cop car with our hands cuffed behind our backs, Janet says, ?Don?t? worry, I?ll stick by you and I won?t say a thing!? We get to the Federal Building and they separate us. All the big wigs from Washington came down and Janet winds up spilling her guts about how I drugged and kidnapped her and used her for a sex slave and made her drive the getaway car while I went in and robbed the bank, and, how when I blew the bank job, I made her turn tricks to support my drug habit!
But, the Feds knew what was up, especially when they found all those dildoes in the car. They knew they weren?t mine. Something smelled fishy here besides the dildoes. So they offered me a deal ? 18 months ? early parole after 6 months if I keep my mouth shut about Janet. I said I?d take the deal, but only if they promised not to tell anyone that I was the ?Dildoe Bandit?, plus I wanted to see Janet one more time.
They brought her in ? she was crying and her face was all red. It?s funny, ya know, cause after all we had been through together, I really had started to take a liking to her. She said she was sorry, but she had to save herself. She really didn?t want to tell on me but the Government had to protect her and her job as the Attorney General, and it was in the National Interest that no one find out about this.
The Government was going to cover for her while she dried out, and once she was ok and back on the job, that she would write to me all the time and that she would wait for me. I could call collect to a special number and we could talk all the time, and how she?d try to come see me whenever she could (in disguise, of course). So I said, ?Yeah, ok baby?. I kissed her goodbye and went ahead and plead guilty.
The Feds kept their end of the deal ? 18 months ? I got paroled in 6 months ? and no one until now knew I was the ?Dildoe Bandit?. But that sorry Bitch! No letters ? she wouldn?t accept my calls - and she never came to see me once. Not once! Fucking Janet ? she?s just like all the other women in this world ? Lie! Lie! Lie!
I wound up getting into more trouble again once I did get out. I guess it?s because I could never really get over what she did to me. I couldn?t come forward with this before because of the Plea Bargain, but that?s all behind me now and I want the truth to be known. Please publish this letter in the paper so hopefully other guys won?t fall into the same trap I did.
Sincerely,
A CONCERNED CITIZEN
It was starting to get light out. Pretty soon they?ll be unlocking the cell doors and pulling the bars for chow. I folded the letter and put it in an envelope and addressed it. As it got lighter out I sat there wondering if I had done the right thing. Yeah?Someone?s got to do it.
I washed my face and got ready for chow. Then I sat on my bunk and rolled a cigarette. As I sat there having a smoke, my mind began to wander. No sense on dwelling in the past, I thought. Once I put the letter in the mailbox it?s over. I?ve done my job. If no one listens, hey, that?s their problem. I?ve got to get on with my life..
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